


If No One Else Knows

by QQI25



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-10-25
Updated: 2015-10-25
Packaged: 2018-04-28 02:23:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,099
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/5073688
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/QQI25/pseuds/QQI25
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>One day Jean finds Eren crying in the bathroom and comforts him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If No One Else Knows

Jean didn’t remember how the fights started. He didn’t remember exactly who started them, but he thinks Eren is the one that did. He liked the fights. He liked how it gave them both release. He knew sometimes Eren had bad days, off days, and he learned that those were the days he was supposed to push harder, those were the days when he couldn’t slack off. Otherwise, it didn’t do anything but make Eren feel worse because Jean was pitying him.

One day at his lunch period, Jean found Eren in the bathroom, sobbing in a corner. He was punching the wall again and again, and Jean rushed to stop him. He took those fists that he knew almost as well as he knew his own, and cradled them against his chest. Eren tried to pound his chest too, but Jean held him so tightly his fists were trapped between their chests.

“Shhh, shhh it’ll be okay, it’ll be okay. Eren, you’re okay. What’s wrong?” Eren screamed in frustration and went back to crying.

“You don’t understand! You don’t fucking understand, okay, Jean? I should be dead! I don’t deserve to live, god, of all the people, my mom was the one that died in the crash. God, Grisha and I don’t deserve to live. My mom was so kind, she was the one that deserved to live, not us. I was always so rude to her, and my dad, my fucking dad, I told my mom he wasn’t supposed to drive, he was drunk, why did he drive? He’s so fucking awful, and he left because he couldn’t fucking handle himself,” Eren shouted.

“You’re right, that I don’t understand. That’s never happened to me. But the rest, the part about yourself, that was wrong. That was so wrong.”

“How?” Eren demanded. “Tell me how it’s wrong. I started fights with you, fights so that I could feel better. You’ve never even done anything wrong, you’ve never been rude to me. Only shitty people do that.”

“Eren, if I hated it, I would have told you. But I felt better after them too. And Eren, of course you deserve to live. Everyone does. I know that you hate that your mom died, but that doesn’t mean you could’ve taken her place. You couldn't've done anything.”

“But I could’ve,” Eren whimpered. “My dad. I could’ve stopped my dad from driving.”

“But you told your mom, right? Don’t you think that if she could’ve done anything, she would’ve done it?” Eren thought back to the conversation he’d had with his mom. She’d said that his dad did what he wanted, and that they’d be fine. He nodded. Jean was right.

“See? It wasn’t your fault. You were supposed to listen to your parents, yeah? They’re older. It wasn’t your fault.” He smoothed back the hair from Eren’s forehead, running his fingers through it and kissing the space between his eyebrows. “God, you’ve been feeling this way since the crash, haven’t you? Why didn’t you ever tell me?”

“I’ve already used you, Jean. I already hurt you so many times. I didn’t want to put another burden on you, one you didn’t need.”

“That doesn’t matter. I hit you back, didn’t I? I fought back and hurt you too. And I care about you, Eren. I care about what happens to you, and how you’re feeling. You don’t think I’ve noticed all the times you were off, when you weren’t at your best? I was waiting for you to be ready to talk to me.” Eren nodded and put his head down on Jean’s shoulder. Jean was running his hands soothingly up and down Eren’s back.

“Come on, let’s get you cleaned up. Then I’ll take you back to my place, okay? You can rest there, and I’ll stay with you.” They straightened up and walked over to the sink. Jean tsked and ran Eren’s hand under the faucet. Eren winced as the water ran over his knuckles, and Jean wondered how long he’d been punching. It was a no-brainer how hard; Eren almost always gave his all. He used paper towel as temporary bandages and turned off the sink.

“C’mon, idiot, get on my back. Is there anything you need? Do you have your phone? Need your sketchbook?”

“Can we go to my locker and get it?” He jumped on to Jean’s back and finally laughed a little when Jean stumbled. Jean snorted and walked to Eren’s locker. Eren gave him the combination and he unlocked it, locating the sketchbook and handing it to Eren. He then walked to his own locker, three lockers down from Eren’s, and got what he needed. He took back Eren’s   
sketchbook and placed it carefully in his messenger bag, slinging it over his shoulder.

Good thing it was one of the lunch times, because then it didn’t look weird when Jean walked out of the building. He walked to the passenger side of his car and slowly lowered Eren onto the seat. He closed the door and got in the car on his side, putting the bag in the back. He drove to his house and they got out of the car. Eren insisted on walking by himself, saying it felt embarrassing. Jean just let him. When they got inside, Jean took out the first aid kit and properly bandaged Eren’s knuckles.

“Don’t pull this shit again, okay? God, why would you punch a wall?”

“I don’t need you to lecture and patronize me, Jean. Mikasa already does that enough.” Jean snorted and Eren couldn’t help but smile.

“And with good reason. Feeling better?”

“Yeah. Thanks, Jean.” Jean hugged him again.

“Of course. Eren, promise to tell me whenever you get like this again? I want to be there for you.” Eren nodded and they walked to the bedroom.

“You can sleep if you want. I’ll be here.” Eren laid down on the bed and Jean sat next to him, running his fingers through his hair. Eren fell asleep quickly. Jean went to his desk and pulled out his own sketchbook. He drew Eren sleeping and scribbled a tiny note on it that read: You look really nice, you know that? That’s why I never aimed for your face when we fought. I’d feel bad if I did. Remember that I’ll be here for you. Also, are you free this weekend? Do you want to go somewhere, just the two of us? Text me.

He tore it out and placed it in Eren’s sketchbook before he lost his courage. Hopefully Eren would find it.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading!
> 
> *SPOILERS FOR BOOK 16 IN THE NOTES*  
> Aghghghghh sorry.  
> I read book 16. God, Eren, I hate that he feels that way, that it was his fault and that he should die. I was crying and shouting in my head for Levi to rescue him. I cried harder when Jean was there and helped him lol. I just needed to write something where he felt that way and Jean comforted him.


End file.
